Note to self
- I think you’re so mean – I think we should try
I think I could need – this in my life
I think I’m just scared – that i know too much
I know it’s wrong, it’s a problem, I’m dealing
And you. Yes you. I do remember. I don’t even know if I was in love with her, in love with the memory of her, or in love with the possibility of what she could be. Or a mix of all three. Maybe it was that I was in love with being in love. I don’t know. I do know that I love her (difference of being in love with…) and I still do love her. I care that she does well in her life.
It wasn’t the best relationship I ever had. Wasn’t even close. The best one is an ongoing drama that never seems to end. That was four years of a best friend with whom I crossed the line and then she was on the other coast.
- In a house where regret is a carousel ride
We are spinning and spinning and spinning…
You know that story too. But it’s somehow different. Because you know it’s something good when you both feel the pain of seperation. When you’re chasing each other. It takes two sides working together. And you can make stupid mistakes with those people and it doesn’t matter because all that both of you see is the broader picture.
- Waiting here for you
Wanting to tell you
How I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too
Just the way you do
Thought if I told you
You might want to stay for just another day or two
And I know that’s bull. She [the first girl for those of you reading along at home] wouldn’t have stayed for five more minutes. I didn’t have 3 letters that I belonged to. I didn’t wear khakis and a polo shirt. I didn’t drive a BMW or an SUV that my rich parents bought me for my 16th birthday. I drove a minivan that was ten years old. I was a graduate student. The horror. I couldn’t drive down every five minutes. So she couldn’t wait five more.
And it wasn’t a lost chance [third girl for you following at home] – it was a shot down based off being an idiot and working with said person which added complicaitons. She’s a cool girl. That’s it. Nothing beyond that will or can happen as long as we work together, and I don’t plan to quit anytime soon.
- All my friends got flowers in their eyes
But I got none this season
All of last years blooms have gone and died
Time doesn’t give a reason
Hey baby, do you ask yourself sometimes
What you need to be forgiven?
Everything that you’ve ever done wrong
Is the reason that I’m driven
Straight to you
What was the old me? Was that it? I don’t remember any differences [except my attitude was much better AFTER I came back from Eurpoe]. I don’t think I’ve done that much changing, except that I don’t let shit go anymore. I call people on it. And it’s always been my “I’m covering up what I’m really thinking because it hurts too much to show” face. Always. And often my “I don’t really want to admit this, but…” face. That has been my life. Just a series of getting screwed over or dumped on or belittled by people who generally had an anal-cranial inversion. So it’s always been a cover up. I’ve always gotten it out by pushing myself so far beyond reason that I blow them all out of the water because they can’t come near me with what they create or what they feel.
Everyone of those people are the people who come around after the years have passed and you’ve worked so hard to get to where you are, and all they want is to attach on to that. As Adam Duritz says:
- There are people who will say that they knew me so well
I may not go to heaven
I hope you go to hell
And I don’t mean you. I mean the people who want a first class ticket on my coattails. When they call on the phone, they’ll get a click.
So yeah. My new years’ resolution? I always blew them off. Thought they were bullshit. Why only make a resolution once a year? well, here it goes.Stop making bad decisions.
And stop skirt chasing. Yeah.
And this is the checkpoint for that. I guaruntee I won’t be able to follow through, but here’s to hoping.