Note to self

    I think you’re so mean – I think we should try

    I think I could need – this in my life

    I think I’m just scared – that i know too much

    I know it’s wrong, it’s a problem, I’m dealing

And you. Yes you. I do remember. I don’t even know if I was in love with her, in love with the memory of her, or in love with the possibility of what she could be. Or a mix of all three. Maybe it was that I was in love with being in love. I don’t know. I do know that I love her (difference of being in love with…) and I still do love her. I care that she does well in her life.

It wasn’t the best relationship I ever had. Wasn’t even close. The best one is an ongoing drama that never seems to end. That was four years of a best friend with whom I crossed the line and then she was on the other coast.

    In a house where regret is a carousel ride

    We are spinning and spinning and spinning…

You know that story too. But it’s somehow different. Because you know it’s something good when you both feel the pain of seperation. When you’re chasing each other. It takes two sides working together. And you can make stupid mistakes with those people and it doesn’t matter because all that both of you see is the broader picture.

    Waiting here for you

    Wanting to tell you

    How I get my ends and my beginnings mixed up too

    Just the way you do

    Thought if I told you

    You might want to stay for just another day or two

And I know that’s bull. She [the first girl for those of you reading along at home] wouldn’t have stayed for five more minutes. I didn’t have 3 letters that I belonged to. I didn’t wear khakis and a polo shirt. I didn’t drive a BMW or an SUV that my rich parents bought me for my 16th birthday. I drove a minivan that was ten years old. I was a graduate student. The horror. I couldn’t drive down every five minutes. So she couldn’t wait five more.

And it wasn’t a lost chance [third girl for you following at home] – it was a shot down based off being an idiot and working with said person which added complicaitons. She’s a cool girl. That’s it. Nothing beyond that will or can happen as long as we work together, and I don’t plan to quit anytime soon.

    All my friends got flowers in their eyes

    But I got none this season

    All of last years blooms have gone and died

    Time doesn’t give a reason

    Hey baby, do you ask yourself sometimes

    What you need to be forgiven?

    Everything that you’ve ever done wrong

    Is the reason that I’m driven

    Straight to you

What was the old me? Was that it? I don’t remember any differences [except my attitude was much better AFTER I came back from Eurpoe]. I don’t think I’ve done that much changing, except that I don’t let shit go anymore. I call people on it. And it’s always been my “I’m covering up what I’m really thinking because it hurts too much to show” face. Always. And often my “I don’t really want to admit this, but…” face. That has been my life. Just a series of getting screwed over or dumped on or belittled by people who generally had an anal-cranial inversion. So it’s always been a cover up. I’ve always gotten it out by pushing myself so far beyond reason that I blow them all out of the water because they can’t come near me with what they create or what they feel.

Everyone of those people are the people who come around after the years have passed and you’ve worked so hard to get to where you are, and all they want is to attach on to that. As Adam Duritz says:

    There are people who will say that they knew me so well
    I may not go to heaven
    I hope you go to hell

And I don’t mean you. I mean the people who want a first class ticket on my coattails. When they call on the phone, they’ll get a click.

So yeah. My new years’ resolution? I always blew them off. Thought they were bullshit. Why only make a resolution once a year? well, here it goes.

Stop making bad decisions.

And stop skirt chasing. Yeah.

And this is the checkpoint for that. I guaruntee I won’t be able to follow through, but here’s to hoping.

  1. Lovely says:

    Hello! I am not sure if this is where I sign up to be a member or a reuaglr viewer of your podcast but I would like to do that. I have watched 2 of your podcasts and I love them!! You are so funny and inspirational. I laughed so hard when I watched your podcast where you read from that book about having disheveled hair, no makeup on etc, etc, That is ME!!! I can totally relate. Anyway, thanks for being there, my husband works long hours and I homeschool my youngest, and only one left at home now, plus I have 2 german shepherds. So you totally fill a gap for me and I really look forward to watching! I am chiselstick on ravelry.So please sign me up!! :)

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